“You never understand me.”

How many times have you said that sentence to someone—either out loud or inside your head?

Be honest.

It’s more than a couple of times, right? You have had those moments where your temper got the best of you, where you felt suffocated, where it felt like the other person was speaking a totally different language. 

Because even though you both knew the words, you didn’t feel like they understood what you meant.

That is the reason behind most of our conflicts. Simple, yet deep-running misunderstandings.

And unlike other aspects of our lives that we love to ‘self-improve’ upon, we’ve come to accept conflicts as a part of life.

You can journal on your own. You don’t need anybody to exercise with you. ‘Mindfulness’ is another activity that’s totally in your control.

But conflict management is not. For that, you need to speak (or communicate) with the other person and address the problem. It involves the very person you said some pretty bad things to, and your ego doesn’t want to take the hit.

And even if it is the other way around (that is, the other person said some pretty bad things and caused the conflict), your ego wants them to come and apologize to you first, instead of a solution that lets you move on.

So, you end up avoiding the conversation altogether. It’s easier to do that than have an honest (but uncomfortable) conversation. But the cost you’re paying for that temporary comfort is jarringly high.

Lost relationships.
Toxic compromises.
Bad breakups.
Hurt feelings.

And a host of other negative outcomes that make you wish, “I wish I had an island where only I could go.”

3 years ago, I thought the same way.

I felt tired of being around people. I felt as though I had a new conflict to deal with every single day, and it started to take a big toll on me.

Initially, I thought this was grief. I had lost my dad a few months before that period, and I hadn’t come to terms with it. To some extent, my emotions were a mess.

And I took it out on others.

Whenever the slightest disagreement would come up, I would retreat. I would think, “No one understands me.”

Then I’d spend the rest of the day holding on to that hurt and resentment.

And while I didn’t know this back then (or rather, I didn’t want to know this), the truth is that my behavior was extremely egoistic.

I know you’re thinking, “No. It wasn’t. You were grieving, after all.”

While that is a comforting thought, it doesn’t change the truth.

My grief was something I had to deal with, and that was not a valid excuse for my lack of communication or conflict management skills.

Could I have asked for support to deal with my grief? Of course. Could I have found healthy ways to express that emotion and come to terms with it? Definitely.

But what did I choose instead? Suffering. And not just for me, but for the people closest to me as well.

That was self-centered. My inability to deal with my emotions soured my relationships. I felt like they didn’t understand me. They felt like I was too quick to judge and blow some issues out of proportion.

What would have solved this? Clear communication. Did I want a solution? Yes. Did my ego allow it? No.

That was a powerful realization: what I needed was different than the comfort (and suffering) I wanted.

Now, things started changing.

I became frank in my communication. Instead of letting tiny conflicts simmer into misunderstandings, I blocked my ego’s urge to retreat (I literally said to myself, “Deal with this right now. Don’t retreat into your comfort.”)and addressed the problems head-on.

Was it scary the first few times around? Yes. My ego had never shaken so much before. It was on uncertain ground, and it was exposed vulnerably to the one thing it wanted to avoid the most: the possibility of being hurt.

But I stood my ground and felt the pain and hurt. Nothing has changed my life so fast.

Brené Brown said it best, “People will do almost anything to not feel pain, including causing pain and abusing power.”

Most of us spend a lifetime ignoring this truth, hiding behind the lie of “No one understands me.”

I consider myself lucky to have recognized, accepted, and acted upon it early enough to avoid big regrets.

The question is, can I count on you to join the club of truth as well, right this moment? Because trust me, your ego won’t like it now. But that price is nothing when you look at the happiness you’ll unlock for the rest of your life.

Your relationships don’t deserve to be the scapegoats of your ego’s desires. Treat them with the respect they deserve, put your ego to the side, and you will experience bliss unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.